Attending a funeral is a way to show support for friends or family who are dealing with a recent bereavement. Being aware of standard funeral etiquette will help you understand what to expect, and how to pay your respects with confidence.
The following is a quick guide to common funeral etiquette.
What to wear
Black is the traditional colour of mourning in the UK, and is still worn at many funerals. More recently however, wearing brightly coloured clothing to ‘celebration of life’ ceremonies has become more common.
If no dress code has been specified, you can probably assume you should be wearing standard funeral attire. This would typically be either a dark-coloured dress, or a dark suit, white shirt and black tie. Formal shoes are also recommended.
What to say
Knowing what to say to the close family and friends at a funeral can be difficult. However, expressing your sympathy will be appreciated, and a few kind words could bring comfort at a difficult time.
Simply saying ‘I am so sorry for your loss’ is a common way to show empathy. You can also acknowledge their loss by saying something like, ‘I can't imagine how hard this must be for you.’ Adding ‘I am here for you’ also expresses your willingness to support them in their loss.
Knowing what not to say is equally as important. Try not to make any comments that could sound dismissive, and don’t make assumptions about how people feel or their beliefs about an afterlife.
Where to sit
Unless the family has decided to have a private service, funerals are open to anyone.
Family and close friends generally sit in the front few rows of the church or crematorium. Everyone else attending the funeral will sit behind them. Don’t worry too much about sitting too far forward; if you’re in the fourth or fifth row, the family should have plenty of room. Remember to also turn off mobile phones for the duration of the service.
The service
Funeral services can be very personal, and will vary depending on individual preferences and beliefs.
At the end of the service, the coffin will be lowered, carried out, or hidden behind a curtain. Generally, the celebrant leaves first, followed by immediate family and close friends. Remaining attendees follow behind, and often join a line where they can offer their condolences. Where the service and interment are at different venues, Ruth Jardine, Business Manager at Jardine Funerals, stresses arriving at the burial venue in a timely manner: “If it’s burial and there is a service first, people do all sorts of things in between the service and interment - going for petrol, etc. and end up being late - many services are held up waiting for mourners.”
The wake
The wake is a chance for funeral attendees to get together and share their memories of the deceased. Wakes tend to be a lot less formal than the funeral service.
Showing respect
Funeral etiquette aside, the most important thing to remember when attending any funeral is to be considerate and supportive of those recently bereaved. For yourself, try to be compassionate with your own feelings as grief affects people in many different ways. Attending a funeral is a chance to show appreciation for someone who has passed and consider the impact they had on our lives.
